Here I sit, at the end of 2009, and it feels like everything is different. None of the details have changed; I still live in San Francisco, and I still cook at Nopa as a sous chef. I'm still writing this blog. But when I look in the mirror, or have a quiet moment to myself, things feel different. 2009 was a crazy year for me. It was a good year for me. In 2009 this blog seemed to find its place. Through things that seem as trivial as a twitter account, or a podcast, I met people and made friendships that are deeply important to me. Through countless emails I was able to connect with cooks from all over the world. As everything seemed to be expanding and moving towards one big interpersonal disconnect, the opposite ended up happening. My world got smaller. Then I turned 30, and came to realize that I needed to take life a little more seriously. Soul searching, introspection, whatever. I made some decisions, and decided to stick to them. Then I woke up one day, and wow. Things had changed.
2010 is a little scary to think about. A friend of mine said to me "2010 is the first year I haven't been excited about." I had never thought about it like that, and im not sure that's my sentiment. But it does feel like a giant, scary beast that I have to tackle...like im getting into the ring with a faceless terror. In the following year im going to to be faced with figuring out whether im a better writer or a better cook. There's a chance that this blog could end in 2010. There isnt an infinite amount of topics for me to write about here. Sometimes I feel like im just regurgitating the same old garbage. Add to that the fact that im going to be a father, and want to open a restaurant this year, and things start to get very cloudy and scary and im suddenly very aware that nothing feels perfect or right, but things just are. It's an amazing thing to be faced with the rest of your life. I thought I knew what it would feel like, and how I would deal with it. I don't. And I suspect that's perfectly normal.
The thing is, its not like anything is actually ending. If anything, things are just beginning. After a year like 2009, where things were so good and changed so much, I can only imagine what's coming. It's possible that just being daunted about knowing that you have to make something for yourself is enough to leave you shaking...but maybe its better to try to run through all of the insecurity and bullshit now, before everyone is toasting at midnight.
So whats next? What's going to happen come July, or next December? Shit, what's going to happen next week? Does the fear or uncertainty ever go away? Do things ever start to feel right, or perfect? Or is it more important to just let things happen?
Me: There's snowmobiles. And guns.
Kitty: Can we shoot guns while we're on the snowmobiles?
Me: I guess so.
Kitty: Wow. It's like a Mariah Carey video.
(Merrell is hitting me in the shoulder, over and over again)
Paulie: Isn't Savannah a pornstar?
(The hitting continues)
Me: You know Paulie, not everything has to do with porn.
(More hitting)
Me: What?!?
Merrell: It's Ryan Seacrest on seat three!
Me: Yeah. I know. Anyways...
Merrell: THIS! IS! AMERICAN! IDOL!
Me: Do I look like a botanist to you?
Gerardo: I don't know what a botanist looks like.
"Mer-mer, if I gave you a titty twister and asked you to name five candy bars, could you do it?"
-Corey
Dega: You're the boss.
Me: That's right. I am the fuckin' boss. I'm the fuckin' Bruce Springsteen of this kitchen. And you're my Courtney Cox. I'm gonna dance with you onstage, which is then gonna turn into a lucrative sitcom career in the nineties, only to have you marry David Arquette and have it fall to pieces in the two-thousands.
Merrell: And don't forget the numerous miscarraiges.
Me: .......
"I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a
psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a
chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?"
The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's
pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally
irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep
goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs." -Woody Allen, Annie Hall
2010 is a little scary to think about. A friend of mine said to me "2010 is the first year I haven't been excited about." I had never thought about it like that, and im not sure that's my sentiment. But it does feel like a giant, scary beast that I have to tackle...like im getting into the ring with a faceless terror. In the following year im going to to be faced with figuring out whether im a better writer or a better cook. There's a chance that this blog could end in 2010. There isnt an infinite amount of topics for me to write about here. Sometimes I feel like im just regurgitating the same old garbage. Add to that the fact that im going to be a father, and want to open a restaurant this year, and things start to get very cloudy and scary and im suddenly very aware that nothing feels perfect or right, but things just are. It's an amazing thing to be faced with the rest of your life. I thought I knew what it would feel like, and how I would deal with it. I don't. And I suspect that's perfectly normal.
The thing is, its not like anything is actually ending. If anything, things are just beginning. After a year like 2009, where things were so good and changed so much, I can only imagine what's coming. It's possible that just being daunted about knowing that you have to make something for yourself is enough to leave you shaking...but maybe its better to try to run through all of the insecurity and bullshit now, before everyone is toasting at midnight.
So whats next? What's going to happen come July, or next December? Shit, what's going to happen next week? Does the fear or uncertainty ever go away? Do things ever start to feel right, or perfect? Or is it more important to just let things happen?
My Best Meals of 2009:
My Team:
quotes and conversations:- Coi
- Flour & Water, every time
- 5 Points
- Ippudo
- Freeman's
Places I Ate At, Often:
Stuff I Couldn't Live Without:- Flour & Water
- Fish & Farm
- Out the Door
- Katana - Ya
- Nopalito
- Arguello Market
- A good pen
- The iphone
- My pocket knife
- A Moleskin, even if it is falling apart
- Friends
- The Pixies, TV on the Radio, Old Outkast
- Access to Twitter
- Flickr
- My Macbook
My Team:
- Raw - Michael Black
- Garde Manger - Jon Smulewitz
- Pasta - Micheal Tusk
- Veg/Garnish - Mourad Lalou
- Fish - Stuart Brioza
- Meat - Ryan Farr
- Sous Chef - Daniel Patterson
- Chef - Thomas Keller
- Sautee - Charles Phan
- Veg - Jeremy Fox
- Garde Manger - Taylor Bottechier
- Grill - Ryan Farr
- Pasta - Tom McNaughton
- Sous Chef - Me (haha!)
- Chef - Jacques Pepin
- Michael Black
- Brandon Jew
- Tom McNaughton
- Jay Foster
- Mongoose
Me: There's snowmobiles. And guns.
Kitty: Can we shoot guns while we're on the snowmobiles?
Me: I guess so.
Kitty: Wow. It's like a Mariah Carey video.
(Merrell is hitting me in the shoulder, over and over again)
Paulie: Isn't Savannah a pornstar?
(The hitting continues)
Me: You know Paulie, not everything has to do with porn.
(More hitting)
Me: What?!?
Merrell: It's Ryan Seacrest on seat three!
Me: Yeah. I know. Anyways...
Merrell: THIS! IS! AMERICAN! IDOL!
Me: Do I look like a botanist to you?
Gerardo: I don't know what a botanist looks like.
"Mer-mer, if I gave you a titty twister and asked you to name five candy bars, could you do it?"
-Corey
Dega: You're the boss.
Me: That's right. I am the fuckin' boss. I'm the fuckin' Bruce Springsteen of this kitchen. And you're my Courtney Cox. I'm gonna dance with you onstage, which is then gonna turn into a lucrative sitcom career in the nineties, only to have you marry David Arquette and have it fall to pieces in the two-thousands.
Merrell: And don't forget the numerous miscarraiges.
Me: .......
"I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a
psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a
chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?"
The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's
pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally
irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep
goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs." -Woody Allen, Annie Hall
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